As a parent, you’re probably familiar with the benefits that rest offers kids of all sizes. From emotional health to improved learning, rest helps kids enjoy their busiest days and grow in healthy ways. Chances are that a busy Fall schedule only increases your motivation to solidify structure around your infant’s sleep schedule, seek out the perfect rest time tunes for your toddler, or encourage your teen to get off TikTok at night. However, when it comes to your own rest, most strategies seem too absurd to bother with. After all, even if you could ensure some time away from your children (and good luck with that), odds are that you have a job, a partner, or aging parents that need your attention. What parent has time to rest?
As a clinical psychologist, writer, and parent, I am adamant about rest for my kids. And I also counsel my adult patients about the benefits of taking breaks. Yet I found myself on a rambling rant to a friend about my fatigue and how hopeless I felt with the lack of an end in sight about a year ago. My friend, one of those serene self-help gurus, lovingly suggested I book a yoga retreat with her to Costa Rica. As she said, “It’s what we all need!”
As I pondered the forms of rest that seemed to be out of reach for many tired parents, it dawned on me how much we take it as a given that infants don’t rest like teenagers and that toddlers require a constant rejiggering of rest time strategies. If rest needs to be customized for kids, isn’t the same true for parents?
Recharge Through Role Transitions
As I write about in my forthcoming book, Work, Parent, Thrive, the science of rest confirms that while a beachside vacation may be unrealistic, rest for worn-out parents isn’t. There are more ways to rest than getting more sleep, meditating an hour a day, or having weeks-long breaks from parenting. In fact, one useful definition researchers have coined for “a break” involves moving from one task over to another. By stepping into a different role and using a different part of your mind or body, you attain a break from the role you’ve at least momentarily stepped out of. So, whether you’re putting away the billing to pick up your kids after work, leaving your toddler at daycare to start your nursing shift, or even placing your kids in front of a screen while you make dinner, you’re restoring energy for one role by stepping into another.
Turning Off
According to researchers, however, to allow this kind of role transition to provide a respite, you must practice something called psychological detachment. It sounds fancy, but psychological detachment simply means fully switching off from whatever role you’re stepping away from. For instance, while making dinner, see if you can focus on the food preparation rather than giving yourself a guilt trip for using the electronic babysitter. It can help to remember that doing so helps you return to parenting with greater gusto.
Seek the Small and Savor
As writer Anne Lamott noted, “Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you.” Research supports the value of short breaks. For adults, short naps between ten- and twenty-minutes help to restore self-control, emotion regulation, task performance, and memory. These benefits are particularly strong for habitual nappers; a quick nap when you’re feeling depleted can help rejuvenate you. But a break on the go can also be refreshing if you practice savoring the solitude of a bathroom break, immersing yourself in the latest show you’re streaming, or taking three slow breaths a few times every day. The very smallest moments of rest can make a difference when you approach them with an intention to absorb yourself fully and relish the experience.
Let’s be honest, rest recommendations that come from most well-meaning gurus aren’t designed for busy, worn-out parents. Parents rarely have the luxury of an extended break from demanding responsibilities, even though they absolutely deserve them. Recognizing alternative strategies that you can put into practice can help you tap into more regular much-needed breaks. So instead of fantasizing about a vacation you can’t access, rethink your approach to rest so that you actually get the breaks that you, like all busy humans, need.
Yael Schonbrun is a psychologist, assistant professor at Brown University, and author of Work, Parent, Thrive.
