How to Loosen Your Grip on College
And Change the Conversation this Holiday Season
There’s a parable I’ve heard of a man who, not wanting to lose his grip on a bird, held it too tightly, causing the bird to struggle against the pressure and wriggle its way out of the man’s hands. However, on the next try, when the man held the bird loosely cupped it in his hands, the bird relaxed and no longer felt threatened and stayed contentedly in place.
Anything you hold onto too tightly, you will lose. The adage is true. In my life, the ideas, identities, self-imposed rules and conventions, and notions of right and wrong have all diminished (but not before suffocating me) because my hold on them turned my knuckles white, and I squeezed out all the sweet juice until only a wrinkly skin remained.
Like desperate alchemists, we sometimes make good things bad with a too-tight grip.
Colleges, like old, gothic churches, have always held a sort of transcendent power for me; they are magical places where wondrous ideas take form, genuine inquiry is the norm, good-natured debates stretch the mind, and young people find joy and respite in the purgatory between childhood and adulthood.
But, like churches, when colleges charge fees, make it difficult to enter, and become a cult of prestige, things quickly spiral into a very dark place. When college becomes our identity, our salvation, our everything, we turn it into a god.
As a guide to people navigating their education futures, I’m all too familiar with college obsession. I know how that story ends: the parent and child who cling to elite university acceptance, test scores, GPAs, and admission rates will, in the end, be disappointed, angry, and resentful.
In my experience, the student who is open, even indifferent, about where they would go to school, knowing it doesn’t define them or measure their worth, gets into the coveted colleges (and sometimes even turns them down!). Meanwhile, the student who clings tightly to the idea of the Ivy League usually sees it slip through their fingers like sand.
Starting new conversations to help loosen the grip
There’s a question I ask all new students: “What would you do if there was no such thing as college?”
These are some of my favorite responses:
“I would try to get an apprenticeship for blacksmithing or tattoo artistry. I do think if there were not the goal of college implanted in my mind for so long, I would pursue a physical and creative occupation.”
“I think it would be very cool to start my own business.“
“I would probably volunteer at the Peace Corps for their Community Health Initiatives for a couple of years.”
“I would golf all the time, become an interior designer, market and sell my works.”
“I would become a professional CrossFit athlete or work/own a CrossFit gym.”
So this holiday, with family gathered around the table, ask the young people what they would do if college weren’t an option. Then, ask the older ones what they may have done differently with those years spent earning a degree. The conversations will surprise and delight, and you and your child will return to the college conversation with a lighter tone, a looser grip, and a more open mind.
